Behringer Vows To Produce Roland Products That Musicians Actually Want

In a mind-blowing turn of events, Behringer has announced today that they are buying storied Japanese music instrument maker Roland. After “betting the farm” on their ACB (Analog Circuit Behavior) technology, Roland has been in search of a hit for quite some time. The final straw that caused the company to lose its financial backing was the announcement last month of a Boutique MC-03, a ACB version of their vaunted MC-303 “Groovebox.” Behringer, on the other hand, has been on a frenzied acquisition tear and when Roland raised the white flag, the German concern came to the rescue.

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Since public floggings are illegal in Japan, Behringer has stated that they will take a page out of the Game Of Throne’s cable series and parade everyone at Roland responsible for ACB, as well as the entire AIRA division, naked through musician-lined streets. Rotten cabbage and cries of “Shame! Shame!” will heaved upon them as they pass by…

Any Roland product deemed “downright lame” will immediately stop production — eliminating 90% their current synth lineup

Behringer claims that it will use Facebook, its customer relationship management platform of choice, to learn what products musicians actually want Roland to manufacturer. Although, this will certainly cannibalize Behringer’s own synth lineup, the upside is that they won’t have to defend themselves against claims of cloning.

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Electronic wind instruments is another product category that is set to be terminated pronto. The reason is simple. Anyone who plays an Aerophone “looks like an ass.” But it’s not all doom and gloom. Products under Roland’s professional AV division will be receiving an immediate price increase, so potential buyer’s will actually need to sell their homes outright, instead of just taking out a second mortgage  — alleviating the tight housing market.

While some industry watchers lament that Behringer has added another legendary brand to its quiver, musicians can sleep tight knowing that they will never have to hear the term “plug-out” again.